SURVIVING ADOLESCENCE

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Think how many times you've heard these comments or even said them yourself. -

"Those kids are driving me crazy !".... " You know teenagers. They're just impossible! ". ....... " I just can't control them anymore. ".

Any parent of adolescents knows the frustration and concern that are part of raising teenages today. Somehow we manage to get through these years, experiencing the joy of watching our children grow up, and learning to relate to them as adults. Contrary to what our teens sometimes think, we want them to be independent and happy. It seems that parents and kids really have the same goal. then why, at times is there so much anger and hurt ?

Letting Go

To some extent the frustration and anger are normal parts of the parent/teenager relationship. During adolescence our children are engaged in the process of seperation. That is, the process of learning how to be an individual, seperate from their parents. They are developing a sense of themselves socially and emotionally. Also at this time their bodies go through many changes and young people struggle to understand their sexuality and the role it has in their life.

It is so important for them to try out this new sense of independence, yet in many ways they are still very dependent on their parents. This shifting back and forth between childhood and young adulthood at least partially accounts for the shifts in mood. One minute they're so exuberant, and the next they seem so alienated.

As teens become more independent, parents must learn to 'let go'. It's not easy to take a back seat in our children's lives after many years of guiding and protecting them. For many parents this transition makes their role as parents unclear. They tighten controls or giv mixed messages to their teens.

' More is Better ' Syndrome

Conflicts occur when a child's behavior is out of sync with the parents' expectations. Control issues between parents and teens become prominent. When controls are tightened, it is predictable that adolescents will dig their heels in, becoming more rebellious. This seems to spur parents on to set further restrictions. Each party feels they are reacting to the behavior of the other; each blames the other for starting the conflict. There's probably no way to determine who started what, and knowing that is not essential to finding a solution. Communication can be restored and mutual respect can be reestablished. Most parents and kids manage to get through these difficult times. they rely on friends, ministers, older family members and others to support and advise them. Even so, communications can further deteriorate and a resolution seems impossible.

Where do we start

The true test of our communication skills comes at home. One creative use of these skills is negotiation. We have all been taught that compromise is unselfish, even noble. However, compromise can leave us feeling that the solution was the other person's rather than our own. Negotiation, on the other hand, can be a more dynamic, creative process that produces a more fulfilling solution. It encourages a team approach to problem solving.

Negotiation sounds like a great idea, but you'e probably thinking, "Where do we start ? ". Direction is available to you through professional help. A phone call will put you in touch with a therapist. It may be just the start you need to reduce conflict between you and your children.